Monday, August 08, 2011

8th August

Well it’s not particularly easy being back in Derby. My house is absolutely filled with memories of Jane and the 32 years we’ve lived here, as well as the shared possessions that fill it; but that’s not a major problem as I’m getting used to dealing with the sadness brought about by such reminders. No, my problem is working out what to do with myself. It was great being away with my family and decisions were easy, because as much as possible I simply go along with whatever suggestions others make. With such a large family it was sometimes a little over-busy particularly when I felt ill but I adopted a very simple escape route… headphones and an MP3 player! Anyway the whole thing was good because it was purposeful and engaging and I love my family.

But now I’m back mostly on my own I feel a bit lost… it’s as though all I have are household chores, decorating projects and maybe a few hobbies to develop. My life purpose has been caring, providing and building my marriage and family, alongside serving the local church and it’s corporate mission. Obviously in recent years the need to care for Jane became increasingly demanding and precluded any serious commitment elsewhere though my children are all adult and need very little from me. We also chose to step away from church responsibilities whilst fighting for Jane’s life. So I’m back with the blank slate thing again, my life feels empty and it’s more than just losing Jane, it’s like I’ve lost purpose, I don’t really know what I should be doing. It’s as though I’ve fulfilled my life purpose and need a new one. That’s a recurring thought I know so perhaps I need to do something about it… but what? And I’m not just looking for something to do; I need to know a fresh call of God upon my life, which is a privilege that cannot be presumed.

Today was sorted as I was kept busy child-minding my two eldest grand-daughters which was very easy as they’re so well behaved and because of that I‘ve decided to behave like a grandad rather than a responsible adult or parent and that makes decisions easy. Basically the kids ask for something and if I can I always say yes; so whether it’s “can we finish the Jaffa Cakes?” or even “can we visit another castle?” the answer is…

Matthew 28:18-20 ‘Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”’ (NLT)

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