Tuesday, August 09, 2011

9th August

I made a mistake today. After a few chores I started word processing a new project and then without thinking much about it had a little dig on the internet. I wandered around onto websites thinking of my childhood home, wondering what happened to some of the friends I had then. And the local paper has a bygones section with a photo back in the fifties of a class at a school near Jane’s childhood home. Although she wasn’t in it I still found it rather upsetting which was a bit pointless as my tears were probably more to do with nostalgia for a lost youth than my bereavement. But I can imagine her so clearly at primary school and then growing over the years to become the young woman I first loved. And the yearning to live my life again with Jane is so very intense, sometimes it feels as though I can remember every detail of every day for the past 40 years. My mind is absolutely filled with memories of Jane… and I have to stop, right now, because this is not helpful and indeed could become a trap. I refuse to live in the past, what’s gone is gone and it must stay that way. It can never happen again. I have to let her go; I have to say goodbye or should I say au revoir until the next life. I must look forward and keep my eyes firmly upon the Lord knowing that he will direct my paths and provide every good thing that I desire.

Psalm 37:3-5 'Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.’ (NLT)

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