Thursday, June 16, 2011

16th June

I feel trapped at the moment. It’s as though I’m living in the past all the time as everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of Jane. And there’s nothing wrong with that apart from it continuing to be rather upsetting. My youngest daughter hasn’t felt strong enough to return to work yet and so we spent the day together again. We had a really nice time together despite trundling up and down the M1. Our first stop was Leicester Museum and Art Gallery and the visit began with the compulsory coffee and Danish in the café. I sat there and within seconds all I could think about was my visit last year with Jane to view my other daughter’s drawings hanging in an exhibition. And so the tears flowed quite freely.

Then we drove quite a long way up to Mansfield Outlet Shopping Centre for some retail therapy. My daughter got lost in a clothes shop, as all women do, and I was left wandering up and down the centre… crying my eyes out, remembering the countless visits we’d made over many years buying clothes, Christmas presents, suit-cases for holidays, Thornton’s drinking chocolate in the café and who knows what else. I bought myself a new jacket but still felt sad.

I have to engage with my new life in a pro-active way as passivity leads nowhere that’s very good. Who wants to be depressed? I can have no complaints about my lot in life and have no right to feel down. A little sad maybe? Perhaps a lot sad… for a while anyway.

Philippians 3:13 ‘Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead’ (NIV)

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