Sunday, June 19, 2011

19th June

Well it’s been one of the weepiest days yet. For no particular reason I would say I was tearful almost continuously until mid-afternoon when things eased somewhat. I went to church this morning and whilst the meeting itself was great I continue to struggle in any social environment outside of my immediate family. It’s not the people, as they remain wonderfully caring and quite sensitive; it’s just being on my own in a place where I’ve always been with Jane that is so painful. I just feel utterly lost and don’t know what to do… apart from cry.

Keeping busy helps, and that’s fine around the home where there’s such a lot to catch-up after a couple of years of ignoring jobs. But I’m finding the challenge of being with other people almost unbearable, I don’t really understand why but I just know it hurts. I feel quite vulnerable not having Jane alongside me, which is a bit odd as I’ve always seen myself as her protector in all sorts of ways. So I suppose I got that wrong and on reflection, probably in common with many married men, my wife would often explain to me what really happened when we were interacting with others. I’ve often seen the look in Jane’s eye when I was about to put my foot in it one more time, if that didn’t work her elbow in my side usually did! And she always proof read and gave her blessing before I posted this blog…

And I didn’t even know it was Father’s Day until last night when my daughter left a card and present as she was about to go home. It’s one of those organising things that Jane always sorted and now I’ve slipped up by not acknowledging my own Dad in a similar way, but I’ve been too upset to work that one through practically at the last minute. My other two daughters and older grand-daughters came for lunch serving myself and my son-in-law with a very special Dad’s chocolate cake. And then we played the game of finding humorous ring tones to install on everyone’s phone, which was fun although mine stayed pretty much out of sight!

 Psalm 68:6 ‘God places the lonely in families’ (NLT)

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