Saturday, June 04, 2011

4th June

Having been an M.E. sufferer for 12 years I reckon I have some experience of chronic fatigue. I know the difference between extreme tiredness which demands sleep and the flu-like weakness of M.E., but today I’ve now reached a new depth of weariness that has it’s root in my emotions and I feel totally drained. It’s so hard to keep going and yet somehow I know that the Lord is sustaining me. I have another challenging day on Monday with Jane’s funeral and have no doubts that God will strengthen and comfort each one of us, helping us through this ordeal. More than that I fully expect the Lord to show up in some way and because of that I’m almost looking forward to it which probably sounds a bit odd, but I love to see God at work in my life… and who knows what further good he might yet bring out of this great personal loss?

I went out today for the first time on my own, apart from the obvious shopping. A two mile walk through the woods at Kedleston Hall was quite an achievement. A little while ago such a distance would have been challenging due to M.E., maybe the sunny weather helps because at the moment I do feel a little better and my constant headaches have certainly eased which is wonderful. I wonder also if the improvement relates to the hyper-stress of providing end of life care for Jane being replaced with the more controllable stress of bereavement… M.E. has it’s own peculiar set of rules. At least I can sleep and eat now and it’s a relief not to be waiting on the next scan result or the next medical crisis. I still feel a little traumatised by all of that as well as missing Jane so very, very much but life is moving on. I had a dream a couple of nights ago and in the dream Jane died and then I woke up knowing I’d only been dreaming and then I properly woke up…

Matthew 5:4 ‘God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ (NLT)

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