Wednesday, June 08, 2011

8th June

Today’s been a bit of a slog. I’ve had to make myself work; right now it felt a real burden just to pop a ready meal into the oven. I can cook a bit now as Jane taught me a lot over the past couple of years whilst she often needed help, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. Everything feels unimportant after the intensity of the weeks and months just gone. And after caring for Jane in such an all-consuming way for so long it feels strange just having myself to think about. I know it’s far too early to properly consider, but it’s such a major change and the big questions are beginning to surface… I’m not quite sure who I am as a widower; what is my new identity? Jane and I were never really very good at socialising apart from the occasional invitees for meals and I can’t get my head around that at all when our friends are all married couples. I expect they’ll be kind and keep me connected in some way but it’s feels a bit weird when the last time I was so alone I was a teenager. I seriously need to seek the Lord for his engagement with my life again as I know idleness, even whilst preoccupied with grief is not going to work for me.

This morning I made a start on clearing Jane’s study which has become a dumping ground for all sorts of things through the course of this year. It’ll become my own office space come study now as I really have a lot of paper-work simply thrown hastily into large plastic boxes… that makes for a pretty useless filing system and I hate it. I spoke to a legal adviser today and was relieved to hear that our decision not to make a will for Jane was correct and her estate needs only the most minimal of attention and will cost nothing to attend to. It should all be sorted within a couple of days which is a relief… I’m so glad we’ve always put everything into joint names. I’ve closed down her e-mail, sorted Facebook and cancelled her mobile number so all in all it’s been quite a productive day. I also visited Amazon and treated myself to a mobile broadband dongle and a usb freeview tv stick so I can go away with all the connections I have at home. Is there anything this man hasn’t done or forgotten?

Oops, I had a lovely phone call this evening from my grand-daughter who was 5 years old today. She rang to say thankyou for her birthday presents and to tell me all about them. Apparently I bought a Peter Pan DVD, a bell and a basket to fit on her bike and she was well pleased. I put cash their way previously but I’m so glad my daughter looked after me with the actual purchases; I managed a greeting card but the thought of Toys-R-Us without Jane as my guide is well scary. I haven’t a clue.

My veggie lasagne was nice enough though.

Psalm 18:1 ‘I love you, Lord; you are my strength.’ (NLT)

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