Thursday, June 09, 2011

9th June

Keeping busy without doing anything, that’s the challenge. It’s quite challenging when I stop to think as the tears still flow at the slightest excuse. Keeping myself occupied is a great distraction, but in order to manage M.E. I am forced to work at a measured pace and have regular breaks. And everywhere I look there is Jane’s stuff… I’m gradually trying to put things away, at least out of sight until I’m ready to dispose of it but she has a lifetime of possessions filling our home. And everything hurts. My birthday card to her, grand-children’s special drawings, her ever-ready collection of children’s toys, her university and college course-work, the book-mark in an unfinished Les Miserables, her all-time favourite DVD ‘The Holiday’, the friendship bracelet she tried to get me to wear, her old slippers… and now I have a headache from crying too much.

If only I could be as brave walking through bereavement as Jane was through her end of life care. I came across a photo today of her wearing oxygen supply as if it were simply another piece of jewellery. And she was such a determined woman doing everything possible to engage with life until the very end. She was told her cancer was terminal some years ago and we followed it’s progress very carefully... so we always knew what was happening. As recently as last November, about the time she went sledging with our grand-children, she was putting in place a business plan and had a venue booked for an art workshop programme. I’ve just had to put away a set of unused art tools she bought especially for that.

So it’s tempting to wonder why she had so much Godly vision for life when the Lord knew her time was very short. I suppose the alternative would have been to wallow in self-pity and pursue whatever worldly pleasure was set before her, but that wouldn’t work for either Jane or me. We have to live with hope and reach out in faith for God’s goodness and purpose for our lives no matter what our circumstances say. And no matter what time we have left. Surely the Lord is far more interested in our response to his call upon our lives than he is in whether we actually completed that calling. This world is a fallen, corrupt creation and whatever we do will be flawed and challenged in some way or other. It is the response of our hearts that ultimately pleases the Lord, not our deeds.

Matthew 5:8 ‘God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.’ (NLT)

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