Saturday, June 25, 2011

25th June

Today’s really not been too bad a day, which is strange to say because I’ve been feeling incredibly sad and very tearful. Despite that I felt pretty much OK, and there really is a difference between grief and depression. This afternoon I managed another walk through the woods at Kedleston, now rather muddy after the rain, but in the isolation of the great outdoors I had a real good sob and began to feel a bit better.

So I’m very much living for the moment and can’t properly consider what I’m doing tomorrow let alone next week or next month. I am quite broken and feel so very fragile, and have no confidence in my ability to cope with just about anything. Indeed at the moment I find I just go with the flow and engage with whatever comes to hand without trying to work things out. There are plenty of jobs to be done at home but I’m simply doing what I fancy when I fancy and as often as not the jigsaw is given priority over the never ending pile of paperwork. Funny how the TV holds almost zero interest at the moment… even though I still manage to watch F1! And some tasks seem to sort themselves out anyway, as for example the state has a mechanism of communicating a death around it’s various departments without any input from next of kin whatsoever… both Council Tax and Inland Revenue departments sent me unsolicited letters of condolence together with updated information. Big Brother is really watching over us.

My eldest grand-daughter was 11 today and I was invited for tea. Except tea turned into supper when we all trooped off to spend her birthday money, which meant a prolonged excursion into the next county seeking out the best deal on an iPod touch. She did alright in the end, although I find it well scary seeing such an expensive piece of equipment in such a small package being left in the hands of a primary school child. She’s very mature and it’ll be fine I’m sure. Now when I was a lad…

Deuteronomy 8:10 ‘When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.’ (NLT)

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