Friday, June 03, 2011

3rd June

And today I feel totally exhausted; I guess it’s the emotional strain that’s taking it’s heavy toll which is not a surprise. I cannot conceive of a life without Jane. I am totally secure in the knowledge that God will fill that void, his grace is more than sufficient for any need and he will direct my pathway into the future whatever that may hold. But today right now I feel empty and very alone. I have the most wonderful children and grand-children visiting and phoning continuously and I have a superb relationship with each of them. There are other relatives and friends reaching out to me in very practical ways… the doorbell rings and there’s a friendly weepy face bearing gifts of food and offering a hug. I’ve received the most wonderful expressions of sympathy via e-mail and cards from every conceivable relationship we’ve ever had… relatives as far afield as Australia, several long lost friends from the very distant past and even Jane’s university lecturers. But I still feel so very lonely. I only want to be with Jane.

She used to say ‘I don’t want us to be separated’… she could cope with dying but not with leaving me, we were truly one with each other. And I expect that always to be the case. There may be a physical separation, but the love of God has joined our hearts together for eternity. We were married in 1973 when although a confirmed Methodist and a regular church-goer I was not really a Christian. Nonetheless at our wedding as we stood in front of the altar I found myself overwhelmed with tears sensing a ‘presence’ sharing pleasure in that special moment. At the time I had no idea what had happened, but I knew it was something far more than just wedding emotions. Several times whilst in prayer in church I felt something similar but had no means of either communicating or processing these experiences. A decade later all the lights came on when I was born-again into a relationship with God and I recognise quite clearly the manifest presence of the Lord in my life in many ways.

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God joined Jane and I in marriage and chose to share that special day with us despite our lifestyle of ignoring him. After we were married I even stopped attending church for the next ten years determining that my previous church-life had been nothing more than a very good moral but nonetheless purely social experience which I could take anywhere. I was totally wrong though that’s a story for another time.

Matthew 19:6 ‘So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ (NIV)

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