Wednesday, June 20, 2012

20th June 2012

Our destiny need not be determined by our present location. So then, did Claude Monet really need his garden in Giverny as inspiration? Was it the gardens and their lily pond that inspired the impressionist movement, or was it the man himself, together with his friends, and how they chose to see the world? Maybe, just maybe if he’d lived in Allestree and visited Kedleston and it’s willow trees as I did this afternoon he’d still have changed the face of the art world. And I’m sure we could find have found work for his colleagues as well. I can just imagine Renoir studying the local populace in Derby Market Place as they dine outdoors on a summers evening, and Degas would have fitted in quite perfectly in a ballet class down at the local church hall. Then Cezanne would surely be well content with a still life created from my garden apples perhaps perched on one of my wonky chairs, though I can’t remember coming across a group of nudes posing in Allestree Woods just recently. Ok never! It seems these great artists all met as students at a local Art School… so we’ve got one of them set up at the local uni as well, complete with a Thirsty Scholar to drink the evenings away. Yes they’d have been right at home in Derby I’m sure, though I guess we’re 150 years too late. Never mind.

Today I am a middle aged widower. My life has changed forever, though after 40 years of marriage I feel unable to imagine another way of living. But then again the chances of finding a second soul mate are quite remote and I really can’t imagine even beginning to seek out another relationship. Then I’m also too ill to work with an ongoing problem with CFS; and for many years I led various teams as I engaged with voluntary work at church, but no longer. Very occasionally I’m set to task on a one off solo event. Apart from my 24 year old son all my kids have married and left home, so I’m all done with that as well. So is that it for Dave? I could get depressed thinking about how I ended up like this, my life was so very full not so long ago. Too full, providing palliative care for Jane I suppose, which partly explains my withdrawal from much church involvement. Ok, I know I still need space to recover from that ordeal, but looking around I feel no inspiration to re-engage and almost no opportunity set before me anyway. At least in the areas I have experience in. So again, is that it, am I done doing stuff for God? Should I embrace early retirement and go pleasure seek? God forbid, as that holds no attraction whatsoever. I’m a worker, that’s all I want to do. To serve God, to make a difference and all the rest of it. But I feel stuck in a rut of ill health exacerbated by grief. I can do nothing without the Lord’s leading and enabling. Today he says my destiny is not determined by my present location…

Matthew 17:20-21 ‘I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible’ (NLT)

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