Friday, June 22, 2012

22nd June 2012

There’s no point trying to live in the past. This evening I was thinking that I really could do with something to brighten the day, to bring a little colour back into my life. Of course this spring crocus is well and truly gone for another year now, but it was a very welcome splash of colour a couple of months ago. So now I have a very plain and completely green garden once again. All rather boring, but at the moment the whole thing feels like a chore that needs avoiding. Jane and I almost lived outdoors at times and absolutely loved it. Every step I take across the lawn reminds me of her. I can’t keep on engaging with that too much, so I’ll live with the weeds and overgrown flowerbeds for another year. That’s no problem, I don’t mind. Dealing with the emotional entanglement of the past is another story though, as I cannot continue living in a grief storm much longer. It triggers a CFS relapse, and I’m totally fed up with being so ill all the time. Living with total exhaustion and a permanent bad head is not my idea of a fun life. Sometime soon I’ll have to go camping again. That always works out well.

Yes, I’m struggling with motivation right now; somehow I need to engage with the new, to take a hold of life with fresh passion. The old way of doing things has lost it’s appeal. Actually just about everything has lost it’s appeal, I’m clean out of enthusiasm. I know I need help, and I’ve lost my number one helper… Jane. She truly was a gift from God and together we battled through every obstacle that life put in front of us. And there were many. Today I have my kids and a few others around me. But it can never be the same, they all have their own challenges and I’m much more inclined to support them than have them support me. So unless the Lord gives me another partner, he alone is my helper, my companion through the trials of life. And truth be told I need no other, he is my all sufficient one, especially in the midst of bereavement, the greatest challenge of my life.

Acts 3:20 Then times of refreshment will come from the presence of the Lord’ (NLT)

No comments: