4th June 2012

Very early this morning I gave in to temptation and woke up with a beautiful young woman by my side. But we simply held hands for a very long time and I was really very happy! Ok, for those who know me… a few years ago, whilst Jane was in hospital for several days, I really hated being separated from her, and she me, so quite separately we found ourselves dealing with the problem in exactly the same way. I’d lie in bed, stretch out my hand and imagine I was holding hers, and she did the same. It may sound silly, but it was nonetheless very comforting. Today I did exactly the same, except in my imagination I saw her in heaven reaching out her eternally youthful hand to hold mine. And who knows, maybe it really wasn’t my imagination. I’ve no idea what the saints get up to in heaven, but for sure they don’t have a memory wipe; so Jane’s love and care for me will be as strong today as it has ever been. Maybe she’s remembering the hand holding thing at the same time as I am. I’d like to think it was God inspired, though I haven’t asked him about that.

Mid-morning I really let myself go as I sat in my chair gently rocking myself into dreamland. I allowed Jane to come sit on my lap for an extra-long hug. I’m not sure how healthy revisiting my grief journey really is. All I know is that I miss my wife, and I’m too ill to engage with anything distracting at the moment.

Jane had many admissions to hospital over several years and I remember the very last time she spent a few days there, probably a month before she passed away. One night, as she was lying in bed she felt very strongly that the Lord Jesus came and held her hand all night, in the same way that I would have. He’s far, far better at comforting the sick than I could ever be and I’m so grateful that we know him and trust him completely. No matter the temporary pain of separation. Yes Jane belongs to God, not me. One day we’ll meet again, though it seems that marriage is for this world alone so it’ll be different. I expect an even better relationship, though no way can I understand that. In the meantime I have to sort myself out and get on with my new life in this world.

Mark 10:9 ^‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.’ (NLT)