Sunday, May 13, 2012

13th May 2012

By lt:User:Algirdas (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
From here

There’s no easy fix for the pain of bereavement. All year round there are regular reminders of Jane to deal with. And every one is a challenge. Another week or so and it’ll be a year since she died. I’m not looking forward to that, truth be told I feel quite wretched already. Yes I’ve had another upsetting day. Then again I'm still recovering from sickness, so I’m weak from not having eaten properly for 5 days, and I have a migraine.  I know I’m gonna have to find a way to move on but it’s really hard, and I just feel like giving up. This morning was painful as I just had to get outdoors and managed a 200yd walk to the local shops again. A particularly close friend of Jane’s was also there and it was so sad just to share even a brief conversation about Jane. We both shed a few tears and truth be told I nearly gave up on my little shopping trip. It gets too complicated walking around trying to find stuff and then deal with a checkout when I’m crying. I only went for cornflakes…

Many years ago, I spent a lot of time with a business client who’d been bereaved after a long term marriage. I visited every couple of weeks or so for some years, sharing the Lord, praying with them, to try and help find a way forward. I resourced books and audio teaching to encourage, but maybe 4 years after their loss there was still very little progress. Indeed, this person told me that they would only get out of bed to meet with me, and as soon as I left they would return to hide under the sheets, totally unable to face life. It was so sad to see someone trapped in such a way. But it’s only now, after all this time that I really understand what this person was living with. At times the pain of loss is quite unbearable. I’ve decided that I will not allow myself to get into such a mess. Somehow I will persevere and trust in God to show me a way forward, one step at a time, and one day at a time. He has a plan for my life, and bereavement will not thwart it. Indeed I believe that God will always work for good, no matter the measure of difficulty we walk through. After all, it was he that called Jane heavenward whilst she suffered so very much with ill health. That was the route that the Lord chose for her. At this point in time he has a different plan for my life.

This evening I spotted several rooks in poplar trees near the bottom of my garden. I’ve not seen them for several years. Great big things they are, and for a moment they reminded me of the giant eagles portrayed in Lord of The Rings… a favourite movie! So anyway, at one point, a couple of characters have faced down an impossible challenge only to be left with no way home. Their imminent demise is obvious, being stranded on a rock surrounded by fast flowing volcanic lava. Suddenly these giant eagles arrive to pluck the unconscious heroes high into the air and back to safety. Now I can’t see that happening to me any time soon, but for sure I’d welcome any sort of rescue right now. Yes I’ve had enough of tears, I need to move on.

Psalm 34:19 The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.’ (NLT)

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