22nd May 2012

It’s amazing how beauty can, not just survive, but actually thrive in the most inhospitable of environments. A pebble beach with not a single bag of carefully selected potting compost in sight, and I was under the misapprehension that saltwater was not exactly good for most plants either. But it’s all so neat and orderly as well which makes me wonder where I’m going wrong with my rockery back home. Maybe I should dig that up and replace it with low maintenance shingle? Anyway I’ve had a really nice day, walking up and down the seafront for some hours. Ok, I did also spend time sitting on various benches, just thinking about things. And I realised how blessed I am when a middle-aged lady passed on by a couple of times during the afternoon. She was in a wheelchair, being pushed by her carer and quite obviously very seriously disabled. I doubt if she could even communicate as her problems were not just physical. But I felt so sorry for her, wondering what she was feeling inside, locked away from any sense of normal life. People who care for folk in that condition are absolute heroes. Jane suffered her own serious infirmity, but for only for a relatively short time. And I cared for her in every way imaginable; I had no choice as she could do absolutely nothing without help. But to live like that long term, as some do, is tragic for sure. Still, I’d like to think the lady I saw today enjoyed her couple of hours on the seafront, even though it’s unlikely she could even say thankyou.

I wake up most mornings feeling quite normal. And then I remember. Yes my bad dream is not just a dream, it’s my new reality, there’s no getting away from it. Jane’s not coming back into my world any time soon. At times the world feels a very cold and inhospitable place without the love of my special woman. Yet, throughout this past year, every time I begin to sink in the stormy waters of grief, the Lord stretches out his hand and walks with me back to safety. No matter the torment in my broken heart he reaches even deeper inside to bless with his perfect peace. So as I walk along this rocky road, journeying through bereavement, I see it as completely barren with no sign of new life. And still the Lord speaks hope into my heart, no matter the apparent bleak future set before me, he will transform me with his beauty and my life will have purpose once again.

Isaiah 35:1-2 ‘Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy!’ (NLT)