Monday, May 14, 2012

14th May 2012

No matter the challenge I’m gonna cling to hope and move on. I glanced out of my conservatory window this evening and realised that my camellia had a couple of flowers on it. Actually it was Jane that bought it a couple of years ago, not me. And really it was our fourth attempt at growing one of these colourful plants, as year after year they either failed to flower or simply died on us. Jane always persevered and kept trying different locations and different varieties, as well as making sure I planted them in special compost; she would have enjoyed today’s sign of hope. The severe winter of a year ago damaged many of my garden plants so this is still not exactly healthy… but it has flowers on it so that’s a good start.

I feel challenged to persevere with my journey through and out of grief. I’m determined to shed every tear that needs to be shed and then take hold of my new life with enthusiasm. I’m particularly nervous about this next week, the 1st anniversary of Jane’s death, as I believe the Lord will speak to me and show me a clear way forward. All I have to do is set time aside to spend exclusively with him; so I plan to travel down to Deal as soon as I pick up strength, maybe in a few days. I’d love for the weather to brighten up somewhat and allow me to live more outdoors though. So of course I’ll make a heart on the beach to remember Jane, but then I need to say goodbye to my lover in a much more determined way than before. I have total confidence that one day we’ll meet again; the Christian faith and my Bible both make that very clear. Beyond all doubt. Right now she’s doing whatever the saints do in heaven, yes she’s already moved on, though no way has she forgotten those left behind. Indeed the whole of heaven must surely be focussed upon the Lord and his imminent return to planet earth.

The Lord has gifted me a year to grieve, I’m not sure what he has for me next but for sure my focus has to change, I have to move on. In the same way that my camellia’s flowers bode well for it’s future, I also need a specific sign of hope. Maybe I’ll meet someone, as I did back in March, maybe the Lord will speak revelation to my heart, or maybe he’ll do something I can’t imagine… I don’t mind, I just know that I need to meet with God. He is the only person who can truly help me let go of Jane. I need to get busy again, serving the Lord according to his call upon my life and I have to shed every hindrance. Bursting into tears several times a day is no way to live long term. I’m ploughing through my West Wing box set and engage emotionally at the slightest fictional distress portrayed there! I need to get my stiff upper lip back soon…

Romans 8:19 ‘For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.’ (NLT)

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