Thursday, May 24, 2012

24th May 2012

We all deal with loss in our own way, as losing a loved one is a very personal thing. Along the seafront in Deal are dozens of sponsored benches and occasionally there’ll be one with flowers and a maybe a child’s painting attached, presumably to remember a birthday or some such special date. They all have little memorial plaques, often with little verses designed to put a smile on faces and they’re great, even though I often shed a tear as I walk by them. So far I’ve not felt particularly inspired to look into such a thing to remember Jane, but maybe another year, as Deal was a very special place for us both. Yes, today is the anniversary of Jane’s death. And I’ve spent the day thinking of her, in particular her final days and hours which I obviously find very distressing. It’s been a weird sort of day, walking a lot and sitting all alone on the beach…

But somehow I have to get past remembering Jane as a cancer patient. She was my teenage sweetheart and we shared 40 wonderful years together building our home and family; so I have a lifetime of beautiful memories and have no need to remember the bad stuff. Just a few years ago we stayed at a very small farm campsite near Deal which had the serious advantage of being a few hundred yards from the village pub. The last time we went they had live music and the soloist surprisingly had an identical guitar to mine and it sounded great… it’s a quite rare limited edition. Jane would drink red wine and I’d drink an ale or two before we giggled our way back to the motorhome. We were happy, in love and the kids were 200 miles away. The world was ours for the taking! Whatever the future holds for me I can never complain that I’ve drawn the short straw as it were. My whole adult life has been filled with love and that has never been more true than today. My kids and grandkids are wonderfully caring, I am truly a blessed person. And then this morning my phone filled up quite nicely with ‘thinking of you’ texts… I’ve just received one from my daughter in Loughborough, apparently they set off colourful sky lanterns today with their kids, in memory of Jane.  She’d have loved that.

I’ve now spent a year grieving and intend seeking the Lord for my new life in a more determined way now. Of course there’ll still be tears at times, but somehow I need to make a step in a different direction. I cannot stay in this place any longer. Time to move on.

Matthew 5:4 ‘God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ (NLT)

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