Sunday, May 20, 2012

20th May 2012

Loneliness was never part of God’s plan. Even though it was my choice to come away, I’m really struggling just being on my own. Of course I miss Jane, immensely, but truth be told I’m missing everyone at the moment. I’ve spoken to absolutely no-one today. Not a word, so far. And I don’t like it, I feel rather lost; I’m not talking about leaving home to come here, I know that was the right thing to do, it helps me think. No, it’s everything I have to face, gaining my new sense of purpose, having to start all over again without a partner to share life’s pleasures, troubles, successes and failures. I have no idea what I’ll do without Jane. We were truly one, sharing absolutely everything together. Yes, I know the Lord is with me, he’ll direct my paths, but right now I don’t know where he’s taking me. It’s as though I’m sailing all by myself across the deep blue sea, sails set to catch the wind, but not totally in control of my immediate destination. I’ve never been in a boat quite like this before. It’s easiest just to go where the wind blows, why fight it?

It’s possible the Lord may show me I should spend more time remembering Jane, that my year out was not enough. I hope not though as I’ve had enough of feeling upset all the time. She was the sole focus of my attention for my whole adult life; I loved her so very much and never had the slightest interest in any other woman. I almost feel guilty even considering letting her go, saying goodbye to my whole life with her by my side. But I have to; she’s moved on with her new life, now it’s my turn. And I need to keep saying that again and again until I get there. I lived and worked with a great passion for 40 years, building my marriage, raising my family and serving the church. Today, aside from a few passing tears whenever the needy cross my path I’m struggling to care very much about anything. I have no responsibilities, other than as a grandad and parent to adult children. I have no role in my church, no job… nothing. My life is an open book waiting for the next page to be written. I can’t wait. Yes, I really can’t live without something or someone to care about… with Godly passion!

Genesis 2:18 ‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone”’ (NLT)

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